


The case of the mustang blues

by sketzocase



Category: All New Wolverine, Deadpool (Comics), X-Men (Comicverse)
Genre: F/M, Humor, M/M, One Shot, Some telepathic fuckery, Unsafe Sex, always use protection kids, it’s Deadpool approved, it’s literally just something I thought was funny., some sex talked about, there’s really no tags, unsafe sex talked about
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-30
Updated: 2018-09-30
Packaged: 2019-07-20 13:50:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16138574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sketzocase/pseuds/sketzocase
Summary: Deadpool has something go missing. Something near and dear to him. What choice does he have but to round up the suspects and do a thorough investigation worthy of the attention of the great Judge Judy herself??





	The case of the mustang blues

**Author's Note:**

> This is a one shot- out of my head, holy fuck why did I write that, break up from the doom and gloom piece. It has no point. It has no angst. It has no real content. I was just in the mood to write something crackish so.. yea. Here we are! 
> 
> Tada!!!! 
> 
> This has got to be one of the lightest most pointless things I’ve ever written. So, I hope you enjoy it! 
> 
> I don’t really expect many comments of kudos on something that’s only one chapter- but hey, Leave one if you’d like. No pressure! 
> 
> Thanks for reading!

“Right and wrong. Good and evil. Importance and non-importance. The triumph of the strong over the weak. The rise of the weak to power. The meek inheriting the world. The bullies. The victims. The Martyrs!” Wade’s voice rises in volume along with his passion. “Will right prevail? Will a great wrong be righted? Jury members of extreme importance, I welcome you to-“

“What jury members?” Gabby Kinney looks around the empty warehouse in confusion. She’s down with most of Wade’s shenanigans, but she doesn’t see where he’s going with it at the moment. “I don’t see anyone.”

Jonathan plops down at her feet, staring at the adults in the room with a somewhat vacant expression.

“Never you mind.” Wade smiles. “It’s not important.”

“Then why are you talking to them?” Gabby asks.

“Because they need to be talked to,” Wade says, putting his hands on his hips.

“Because....”

“This is idiotic.” Daken sneers, crossing his arms. He’s dressed in an attire that suggests he’s just woken up. The shorts and tank combo are very out of place for him at any time of the morning. The others can thank his current look to the fact that Deadpool’s call came so early this morning. That and the fact that he was in a hurry to leave.

“I have to agree.” Laura leans against the wall of the warehouse. “This is also a waste of time. Time we don’t have to begin with.” She, at least, has her costume on.

“I will hold you in contempt if you don’t quit with the sassing.” Wade threatens.

“In ‘contempt’?” Daken snorts. “Yes Wade, you do that.”

Wade pulls up his mask, uncovering his mouth, and sticks his tongue out.

“For this trial- to get the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth- I’ve enlisted the help of some friends.” He says.

The room is quiet, watching Wade.

“I’ve enlisted the help of some friends.” He says again, louder.

“Wade-“ Laura starts.

“I’ve enlisted the help of some FRIENDS!” Wade yells.

From a darkened corner comes a dejected. “Nope. Not happening.”

“The hell do you have here?” Daken demands, going into defensive mode straight out the gate.

“A friend- duh.” Wade walks into the direction of the mystery voice, pulling a handgun out of a holster and pointing it into the darkness.

“You’re not the only one who’s packing.” The voice is young. The three wolverines look between each other and the actual wolverine at their feet. No one has a clue where this is going, who he’s enlisted to ‘help’, or what exactly that person is supposed to be helping with.

“I’m the only one who’s packing and has a healing factor,” Wade says with a lilt to his voice.

He clicks the gun’s safety off.

“Are you insane??” The young man cries.

“Yes. I am.” Wade says. “Front in center pinkie pie.”

“This is ridiculous.” The mystery man says. “Ludicrous even.”

“Yea yea. I know rappers too.” Wade says dismissively. “Front and center. You’re going to be our ... truth-telling device.”

Wade walks back to the others with a young man in tow. Pink hair stuck up in a Mohawk that’s a much tamer version of what Daken currently wears.

“Quentin Quire?” Laura says in confusion. “You want him to be your ‘truth-telling' device’??”

“More like a ‘truth projector’ device.” Wade nods. “But yes.”

Quentin raises his hands skyward. “Don’t look at me. I don’t want to be here. He kidnapped me. And no matter what I do to the fucker- he just comes back.”

Daken pinches the bridge of his nose. “You’ve obviously put a lot of thought into... whatever this is. Why don’t we just all come to a monetary agreement and call it a night?”

“It’s ten in the morning,” Gabby whispers.

“Call it a day then,” Daken growls.

“No can do babe.” Wade crosses his arms and walks back to the center of the room. “The following cases are to be included in evidence. The cases are real. The people are real. This is Judge-“

“Don’t.” Quentin interrupts. “Just don’t.”

“Judy.” Wade finishes.

“Argh.” Quentin groans.

“Who’s Judge Judy?” Gabby asks.

“A shitty daytime court knockoff bullshit show.” Daken sneers. “This is ridiculous.”

“Oh, we haven’t even got to the ridiculous part yet,” Wade assures.

“Can’t we all just... leave?” Laura says. “He can’t track us all down.”

“Aha!” Wade marches over and gently grabs Gabby by the arm. “I have insurance.”

“Put her down!” Laura growls as Wade very gently lifts a confused Gabby and carries her across the room to a large cage-like contraption.

“I have snacks and pillows,” Wade says with a nod, dropping her gently into the cage- which is about the size of a small elephant and then some- more than enough room for her. “And please don’t be mad. It’s just business.”

“Let her out, Wade!” Laura orders.

“Not until the trial is done.” Wade crosses his arms.

“Wade-“

“It’s okay Laura,” Gabby says. “I have pillows and snacks. Plus I want to see what Judge Judy is about.”

“He’s not Judge Judy.” Quinten and Daken say at the same time in almost the same tone of exasperation. The two look at each other for a small moment, almost in something that can be seen as comradely.

“I still wanna see,” Gabby says. “Even if you get me out- I’m staying.”

“Gabby, honestly,” Laura says. “We don’t have time for this.”

“There is always time for truth and justice,” Wade says, putting his hand over his heart.

“Since when??” Daken asks in confusion.

“Since I became Judge Judy.”

“You’re not Judge Judy!!” Daken, Laura, and Quentin shout at him.

“I’m feeling personally attacked right now,” Wade says, hand to his chest. “When all I want is to spread truth and justice through the wonderfully designed American judicial system.”

“Aren’t you Canadian?” Laura asks.

“And?”

“You-“

“Not important.” Daken growls “Let Gabby out of the cage and let us leave.”

“Nope.” Wade shakes his head. “Not until the case has been heard.”

“What case are you talking about??” Laura asks in exasperation.

“You all know why you’re here,” Wade says cryptically.

“I’m here because some lunatic keeps repeatedly stealing me from my home,” Quentin says cattily. He too is dressed in his bedclothes.

Really at this point, the group thinks individually that they should thank the powers that be that everyone went to bed with clothes on last night.

Seeing as some members are known, by several other members, to sleep in the nude.

“And you told me you had information in the case I’m working on,” Laura says.

“And you told ME that Laura was in danger,” Daken says.

“Okay, so there was some mutual lying and kidnapping,” Wade says dismissively. “The truth shall still be heard.”

“What truth???” Quentin demands. “This is insane! Even for you!”

“Nah uh,” Wade says. “This is justice!”

“For what???” Laura demands.

“You know what,” Wade says.

Laura shakes her head. “Gabby, come out of there. We’re leaving.”

“I want to see what Judge Judy is about,” Gabby says, sitting down on an oversized purple pillow and picking up one of several bags of chips on the floor.

“He’s not Judge Judy,” Laura says. “He’s insane. We shouldn’t cater to this. He’s obviously having some sort of mental breakdown. And honestly, with how dangerous he is, we shouldn’t be anywhere near him.”

Gabby looks Wade over for a long moment. “Seems fine to me.” She grins. “Proceed your honor.”

“Thank you,” Wade says. “So, honored members of the Jury-“

“There’s no jury,” Daken says.

“Gentlemen and ladies-“

“Still no jury.”

“Today we will be diving into an issue close and dear to my heart.” Wade clasps his hand to his chest. “The case of a lonesome soul destined to wonder the stars for all eternity due to the actions of ONE person in this room. Who that person is you ask? Well... we’ll present you with cold hard facts. Witnesses. Evidence. And YOU will decide.”

“Wonderful,” Quentin says cattily. “The fate of our day depends on the outcome of a jury made of NON EXISTENT people.”

“Quite,” Wade says. “Now, we’ll comb through an account of each of these defendants days by means of telepathy-“

“No one agreed to that!” Daken says.

“You sound like you have something to hide. We’ll start with you.” Wade nods. “Mr. Telepath, a look into juniors head please.”

“Do it and I will end you- Quire,” Daken growls.

“He doesn’t want me going in there, lunatic,” Quentin says. “And honestly- I don’t want to go in there. So... no.”

“Then I will be happy to tell you that I have no sealed off every exit to the base remotely. They will remain sealed off until a verdict is reached.” Wade nods. “Junior- your move.”

“My-“ Daken shakes his head. “MY move? What do you want me to say?? I don’t know what I’m on trial for! How can I possibly answer your questions if you don’t tell me what you’re asking??”

“A recap of your day. Your yesterday if you will.” Wade says. "From the top, if you would"

“No,” Daken says flatly.

“Then we stay here,” Wade says simply, leaning against a wooden crate.

The warehouse is one that Wade uses frequently to store weapons.

Its high ceiling makes for good echoes- meaning that if he wants his 'lawyer' voice to work, it's got good acoustics.

Plus it was the only place big enough to house two elephant sized cages and still have room to move around.

The floors are cement and gritty with dirt and there is a collection of empty wooden creates that once housed weapons.

Wade thinks of this place fondly as it is most definitely his 'happy' place.

“Or- we beat the shit out of you until you unlock the doors.” Daken threatens.

“Or- you take us on a recap of your yesterday by means of our lovely truth teller device and we move this right along.”

“Yea!” Gabby says. “I’m curious!”

“Gabby- come out of there,” Laura repeats. “Honestly, let’s go home.”

“Not until the truth has been unveiled!” Gabby cries.

“I fucking love this kid,” Wade says fondly. “So, junior, give us the tour.”

“Just do it, Daken.” Laura sighs. “Please.”

Daken stares around the room. “Fine.” He says. “Fine.”

“Good. How’d it start?” Wade says.

“I woke up at five-“

“Wait wait wait.” Wade interrupts, turning to Quentin. “Telepath boy?” He says.

Quentin glares at him.

“Come on,” Wade says. “Do it.”

“Fine.” Quentin sneers. “Hold on.”

The scene suddenly shifts to a darkened room, the five people and one wolverine are standing around a bed.

“Continue,” Wade says.

“I woke up at five and-” Daken repeats dryly.

“No, you didn’t.” Gabby interrupts, pointing to the clock on the nightstand by the bed. “It says five twenty.”

“Write that down jury,” Wade says. “It’s very important. He lied. Off the bat.”

“I didn’t lie,” Daken growls. “I overslept. I forgot. Sue me.”

“Don’t think I won’t,” Wade says.

“I woke up a five twenty,” Daken growls, “and-“

“Who’s in the bed with you?” Gabby asks.

Daken pointedly looks down.

“No seriously- who is that?” She points to a lump in the bed beside a sleeping Daken.

“You had a bed guest you were going to leave out??” Wade gasps.

“Who was in my bed is not important,” Daken growls.

“It’s a little important,” Gabby says.

“It’s very important.” Wade agrees. “Too big to be a woman.”

“Wade-“

“Too flat chested to be a woman. Like... no boobs.” Wade observes the bed. “It’s a dude!”

“I’m Bi, asshole,” Daken growls.

“And I’m Pan,” Wade says cheekily. “I win. You have a mystery dude in your bed. Who is he?”

“He’s not important.” Daken insists.

“Whoever he is he’s now a witness.”

“He’s not a-“

An alarm goes off in the room, followed by grumbling as lights are turned on.

“Goodmorning,” The mystery man says sleepily.

“Morning. I have to go. Get your shit and leave.” The memory Daken responds.

“Wow. Great bedside manners.” Wade snorts.

“I’m going, I’m going.” The man sits up. “Look... this was fun. Really.... and I’d... like to do it again?”

“I could arrange that.” Memory Daken says, putting his feet on the floor and standing up.

“Avert your eyes!” Wade covers Gabby’s face with his hands.

“I sleep nude.” Daken snarls.

“He’s naked?” Gabby gasps.

“They’re both naked,” Laura says, having spoken for the first time in minutes.

“I have to say... kudos,” Quinten says dryly.

“Can we fast forward this part?” Daken asks.

“Every part is important.” Wade insists.

The mystery man sits up in bed.

“Bobby??” Laura says, shocked. “You slept with Bobby??”

“Bobby as in Bobby Drake?” Quinten raises an eyebrow. “Wow. I’m seeing him in a whole new light.”

“Mystery man solved,” Wade says. “We gotta go get him.”

“Go...No,” Daken says. “Absolutely not.”

“BRB.” Wade disappears.

“Stop him!” Daken growls at Quinten.

“I can’t!” The man responds. “And even if I could- I wouldn’t. I want to see Drake’s reaction.”

“What happened to Johnny?” Laura asks curiously.

“Johnny’s a Monday, Thursday, Saturday guy,” Daken says dismissively. “Bobby’s Tuesday’s. Maybe Fridays too if he gets better in bed.”

“You... have different bed partners for different days of the week?” Laura asks.

“You don’t?” Daken says in an almost bored tone.

In the memory, Bobby and Daken are now both dressed, each of them heading out the door to the bedroom.

“Should we follow them?” Laura asks curiously.

“Why? All I did was eat, play on my phone, and go to the gym. That’s all I did.”

“Is it really though?” Gabby asks.

“Yes,” Daken growls. “It is.”

“But is it reaaaalllllly?” Gabby asks, squinting her eyes as she exaggerates the word.

“I...watched some TV.” Daken offers.

“You didn’t do-“

Wade pops back into the room, a disgruntled looking Bobby in tow. “I got him!”

Daken hangs his head. “This is ridiculous.”

“Uh... hey.” Bobby looks around the room. “Nice to be back... sorta. I guess? I don’t really know where I am... and honestly, I mean... I just woke up. And now I’m back in your room. And Hey- I mean your room is great. It’s nice. But we have a lot of people watching us and honestly, if that’s you’re thing- that’s great. But I’m not really... ya know. Into it?”

“We’re not in my room.” Daken corrects. “We’re in a memory of my room.”

“Oh..” Bobby looks around. “So where are we physically?”

“A courtroom!” Gabby cries.

“A courtroom?” Bobby asks in genuine confusion.

“An old warehouse in the middle of nowhere that this moron has us locked in. I can only assume he’s got a teleporter- which is how he keeps getting out.” Laura says. “Can we move this along?”

“That’s cool and all... but uh... I have a class to teach.”

“Too bad. You’re a witness.” Wade crosses his arms. “Okay. Now proceed.”

The group walks through the bedroom door and into the living room. Memory Bobby is hovering by the door. “Ya know... we could probably go get something to eat... if you’ve got the time.”

Memory Daken is sat at a round kitchen table, elbow propped on the table as he scrolls through his phone. “I’ve got business today, Drake.” He says dully. “I’ll text you later.”

“Later. That’s cool.” Memory Bobby nods. “I’ll see ya around then.”

“See ya.”

“Freeze!” The memory stops. Wade walks around the room with his arms behind his back. “Let’s look at the clues- shall we?”

He heads back into the bedroom.

“What clues??” Daken asks, following him.

Wade goes to the trash can by the bed and looks through its contents. “Uh-hmm.” He says. “This door leads to a bathroom?” He points to a door beside the closet.

“Yes. Why?”

“Did either of you go into the bathroom?” Wade asks.

“No. Why?” Daken growls.

“It’s just as I thought!” Wade turns on his heel and points at the two men. “You had unprotected sex!”

“I’m sorry, what?” Daken asks in confusion.

“You were unsafe. That goes against your character. You’re shifty and unreliable.”

“Because we... didn’t use a condom...?” Bobby says.

“Exactly! You, Mr. Drake, are reckless. It’s a strike against you.”

“Okay cool,” Bobby says. “Can I go now?”

“No,” Wade says. “Daken,” he turns to him. “Were you on top or on bottom?”

“Excuse me??” Daken snarls.

“Top or bottom?” Wade repeats.

“Wade- I don’t see how that would matter.” Laura interferes. “Let’s just move on.”

Wade stares between the two men. “Fine.” He says. “Jury take notes. They didn’t use a condom and they’re not forthcoming with any information about their tryst. That means they’re untrustworthy.”

“Always use a condom,” Gabby says, acting like she’s taking notes. “Got it.” She turns to Laura. “What’s a condom again?”

“It’s for when you’re older.” Laura glares at Wade.

“What?” He asks. “It’s never too soon to preach safe sex.”

“She’s thirteen,” Laura growls.

“All the more reason to teach her!” Wade says. “You want to be an aunt anytime soon?”

“Stop talking.” Laura snarls.

“Okay... this has been weird- but I would like to go home now,” Bobby says.

“Not until the truth is told.” Wade walks back to the living room. “Unfreeze.”

Memory Bobby closes the front door, leaving memory Daken to his phone.

The room is tense as the group waits.

And waits.

And waits.

And-

“Good lord!” Wade complains. “It’s been an hour! Don’t you have anything better to do with your time than sit on your phone??”

“Don’t judge me!” Daken snarls. “This is my memory! You don’t like it- leave!”

There’s a brief moment of silence.

“I like your house,” Gabby says into it.

“Wait!” Wade cries. “Freeze!”

“For the love of God.” Quinten groans.

“Look!” Wade walks over to the kitchen counter. “A phone!”

“Yes. Bobby left his.” Daken says.

“Yea.” Bobby agrees. “Daken brought it back to me at lunch.”

“So there was a lunch date,” Wade says. “Very interesting.”

“It wasn’t a date,” Daken growls.

“It was kinda a date,” Bobby says. “Kinda.”

Daken glares at him.

“It had a date like feeling to it.” Bobby continues.

“And does the staff at your institution know you’re playing hide the bone with a bad guy?”

“Well... no,” Bobby says. “We’re still working that part out.”

“Are you boyfriends?” Gabby asks.

“No.” They say at the same time.

“I can’t wait to tell someone about this,” Quinten smirks. "Literally anyone. You are so fucked, teach."

“Don’t you dare,” Bobby growls. “Or I’ll have your ass.”

“Looks like you’ll be too busy having his ass.” Quinten chuckles. “Or letting him have yours.”

“That’s uncool man,” Bobby says. “So Uncool.”

There’s a small silence before Gabby starts to laugh. “I get it!” She giggles. “Uncool- you’re Iceman. Your powers are cold.”

“...yes,” Bobby says slowly. “That is the joke.”

“It’s funny.” Gabby smiles.

“Thanks.” He says awkwardly.

“Don’t encourage him.” Quinten groans.

The group goes back to silence.

“Argh.” Wade groans. “When are you going to notice that he left the phone??”

“In .... like.. thirty minutes,” Daken says. “Can we speed this up?”

“I thought you’d never ask.” Quinten chuckles. The scene in front of them speeds by quickly, a few mere seconds shows Daken getting up from the table and noticing the phone. He plays around with it for a second before pocketing it and heading out the door.

“Aha!” Wade quickly follows him to the driveway, stopping in disappointment. “Oh.”

“Oh, what?” Daken growls.

“That’s your car.”

“And?”

“It’s only your car,” Wade says.

“And?”

“And there're no other cars in the driveway.” Wade turns to him. “That’s it for right now. We’ll go on to someone else.” He nods to Quinten who deposits everyone back into their physical bodies. It takes a moment for everyone to adjust.

“Hey!” Bobby cries from his new position. “Why am I in a cage!?”

“You’re a witness,” Wade says.

“So you caged me???”

“Yep.” Wade nods.

“It’s cool, Bobby,” Gabby says. “We have snacks.”

“I don’t want snacks!” Bobby says. “I want out of this cage!” He goes to ice the bars- only to find his powers all but inaccessible. “What the hell??”

“Power dampener,” Wade says. “Also it’s hard to cut through. The witnesses stay nice and safe.” He turns to Laura. “What did you do yesterday morning?”

Laura crosses her arms. “I took Gabby and Jonathan for a walk in the park. After breakfast.” She says. “I took a call from a friend to come and do some work for the police for a while, Gabby came with me. I met with Warren-“

“Another witness!” Wade cries.

“N-“

He’s gone before anyone can say another word.

“Seriously,” Bobby says into the silence. “What’s going on?”

“He’s trying us for something,” Daken says. “We don’t know what.”

“It’s got something to do with a car,” Laura says. “He let you go when he saw that you had only your car parked in front of your house.”

“Who’s car did he think I had?”

“I don’t know,” Laura says. “This honestly makes no sense.”

“I-“

“I found him!” Wade announces, popping back into the room with an extremely underdressed Warren.

“Can I please put on pants now?” The blonde asks.

“Nope. Come as you are good sir.” Wade takes him by the arm and pulls him over to the cage.

“What’re you-“

He opens the door by means of keycard on a sensor and throws him to the pillow covered floor.

“Hey!” Bobby cries. “You can’t keep caging people!”

“You’re witnesses!” Wade says in exasperation.

“Wait, what?” Warren looks around at his new cage mates. “Why are we in a cage?”

“We’re witnesses.” Gabby opens another bag of chips. “Chip?”

“Uh... no thank you.” Warren glances out through the bars. “Laura?? Uh... hi. This is... odd. But umm... do you have a blanket or something? I’m not comfortable being this nude in front of Gabby.”

“You’ve got underwear on,” Gabby says with an eye-roll.

“Watch out for Bobby, Warren. He’s out of the closet and on the prowl. He’ll bed anyone. Anyone.” Quinten laughs.

“Hey,” Daken growls. “Watch it.”

“Ditto.” Bobby crosses his arms.

“The cage can hold a mouthy telepath.” Wade threatens. “And I got more cages.”

“You got...” Laura pinches the bridge of her nose. “This is about a car- yes? A car? What car are you looking for? Why do you think we have it? Why all this drama when you could have simply asked us if we had it?”

Wade walks around Laura in a circle.

“Its a mustang. From the 70’s.” He pauses. “75 to be exact.”

“Okay...”

“And one of you has it.” He points between Laura and Daken.

“Why would either of us steal your car?” Daken asks in disgust.

“Because it’s not my car good sir.” Wade holds up a finger. “Oh no.” He spins on his heel. “It’s Logan’s car.”

“I’m sorry... what now?” Daken asks, voice cold.

“It’s Logan’s car. I took it and then someone took it from me. That means it was one of you bublets.”

“We didn’t take Logan’s car,” Laura says. “Mystery solved! It could have been anyone!”

“No- I’m pretty sure it was one of you,” Wade says. “See- it was booted because I didn’t pay parking tickets.. and the boot was cut off by someone with a set of claws handy.”

Laura and Daken look between themselves. “Did you take it?” She asks.

“No!” He sneers. “Why would I?”

“Well, I didn’t take it,” Laura says.

“Who else has cla-“

“I’ll get him!” Wade sings, disappearing again.

“Get who exactly?” Warren asks.

“We have no clue,” Quinten says before directing his attention to Laura and Daken. “One of you took that car.” He says. “My bets on Mr daddy issues. Give it back and we can go home.”

Everyone turns to Daken.

“I didn’t take it!” He insists.

“One of you took it and it wasn’t Laura,” Gabby says. “I’ve been with her all day.”

“It wasn’t me,” Daken growls. “Why would I take a car??”

“Because it was Logan’s.” Bobby and Laura say at the same time.

“I didn’t take the fucking car.” Daken snarls. “I don’t need another car. Particularly not one stolen by some nut job, to begin with.”

There’s mumbled agreement from the collected group.

“Someone pet Jonathan,” Gabby says after a moment of silence. “He looks sad.”

Laura bends down and pats the animal’s fluffy head. “He’s fine, Gabby.” She assures her.

“Who could he be going to get?” Bobby asks. “Really- if not you two then-“

“I got him!” Wade pops back into existence, followed by a very large thud and a crumpled figure at his feet.

The blonde man rises to his knees- shaking his head. “Oh let me tell ya- you’ve done some stupid ass shit before Wilson- but this has gotta take the fuckin’ cake.” The figure growls, standing to his feet, only to be punched back down and dragged, quite slowly, to yet another cage and thrown in.

This is yet another man stripped down to his boxers.

The women in the room have seen more than they're fair share at this point.

“Good Kitty.” Wade huffs, locking the door.

“The fuck- Wilson?” Sabertooth groans.

“Did you take Logan’s car?” Laura asks before anyone else can.

“What?” Sabertooth sits up, rubbing his head. “Why would I take the runt’s car?”

“Because it’s missing and someone with claws took it,” Gabby says.

“Did you check daddy issues over there?” The man asks.

“I didn’t take the fucking car!” Daken yells.

“One of you three too-“ Wade turns to the first cage. “Little buddy- you have claws.” He points to Gabby.

“I can’t drive.” She says with a shrug.

Wade nods. “That makes sense then.”

“Have you possibly considered that it was some other kind of mutant powers that resembled claws but that weren't actually claws?” Bobby asks, head in his hands as he sits against the corner of the cage.

“It was claws.” Wade turns to Daken again. “We need further proof of your innocence.” He says. “What did you do after you took popsicle’s phone back to him?”

“I went to the gym,” Daken says dryly.

“And after that?”

“The store.”

Wade nods. “And after that?”

“I had a date.”

Everyone turns to Bobby who looks around for a moment. “It wasn’t with me.” He says.

“I know!” Wade walks to the center of the room. “Tell me what you did to the car or I will procure another witness.”

“I didn’t do anything to your fucking car.” Daken snarls.

“Fine.” Wade disappears with a pop.

“You had another date?” Bobby asks after a moment. “In the very same day as you were with me?”

“We fucked, Drake. It was good. It was fun. We can do it again anytime you want. But it's just that. Fucking.”

“I know, I know,” Bobby says, sounding sad. "Yea. I know."

“Oh wah.” Quinten mocks. “He ditched you for another fuck buddy. Welcome to dating, teach.”

“I’ve had dates before,” Bobby says defensively.

“Just not with other dudes,” Quinten says.

“And how do you know so much about it huh?” Bobby asks.

“I’m a fucking telepath,” Quinten says dryly. “I know everything.”

“Except for how to avoid getting kidnapped by Deadpool,” Gabby says. “Repeatedly.”

“I’m working on it.” Quinten snarls.

“Bobby and Daken had sex?” Warren asks.

“Without a condom.” Gabby nods.

“That’s... that’s not the part you need to focus on Gabby.” Bobby sighs. “In fact- don’t focus on any of it. It’s private.”

“You two fucked?” Sabertooth asks. “Since when do you play for the other team, Drake?”

“I dunno-“ Bobby rubs the back of his head. “Since-“

“He came out of the closet pretty fast and hard,” Quinten says. “He’ll fuck anything that walks... so long as its male.”

“I’m really getting fed up with you, Quire,” Bobby growls.

“Do something about it.” Quinten mocks.

“When I get out of this cage-“

“If you get out of this cage,” Warren says. “No one’s going anywhere until Deadpool lets us go. And he sounds like he’s not letting us go until he finds out what happened to his car.”

“Daken, please.” Laura turns to him. “Just tell him what you did to the car. Please. This has gone on long enough.”

“I. Didn’t. Take. The. Fucking. Car.” Daken says.

“He’s going to keep dragging people in here,” Bobby says. “Someone fess up to it. Fess up to it and we’ll buy him a car that looks exactly like the one Logan had and he won’t know the difference.”

“That.. could work.” Daken agrees.

“Cool,” Gabby says. “So justice is served?”

“Justice is served.” Laura agrees. “Now Daken just says that he took-“

“Why do I have to fess up?” Daken growls. “You should fess up.”

“I don’t have a motive like you do,” Laura says.

“I do NOT have a motive!” Daken cries.

Quentin coughs the word ‘daddy issues’ quite loudly.

“You want to go in the cage? I’ll lock you up with Creed and see which one of you comes out of that alive.”

“Don’t drag me into it because the kids got a point.” Sabertooth laughs. “You have the most motive out of all of us. Your fucked up relationship with your old man is a driving force behind half the fucked up shit you do.”

There’s mumbled agreement.

“Seriously??” Daken holds his arms out to his side, motioning to the room around him. “You’re all going to agree with Creed? Sabertooth. You’re going to side with fucking Sabertooth???”

“He’s making a good point,” Bobby says.

“Just tell him you took the car,” Laura says gently, putting her hand on Daken’s shoulder. “I promise you-you won’t be in any trouble.”

Wade comes back with yet another person, bringing the smell of burnt flesh and cloth with him as he quickly drags something that he seems to have lit on fire.

“No, no, no!” Bobby grabs Gabby and Warren, yanking them back from the cage door as Wade carelessly throws the person in while they’re still lit.

“Go out Johnny!” Bobby yells. “Seriously dude- it’s cool! You’re not in any danger! At least I don’t think you are...”

Johnny’s form slowly fizzles out- half because he wanted to and half because of the power dampeners. “What’s going on?” He groans. “I was in bed.. and then I wasn’t and-“

“You’re completely safe, Torchie,” Wade says. “You’re a witness in the case of the century.”

“Yea?” Johnny sits up, running his fingers through his sleep-mussed hair. “And what case would that be?”

“We have reason to believe that your boy toy over there stole something from me. A car. A very special car. You are here to try to prove his innocence. Or his guilt. Whichever.”

“Okay....” Johnny looks around. “So why am I in a cage?”

“That’s what we keep asking.” Bobby groans.

“Witnesses go in cages, okay??” Wade huffs. “No more questions about the cages.”

“Creed is less of a witness and more of a suspect,” Daken says. “Why’s he in the cage?”

“Because he’d do me bodily harm for interrupting his ‘activities’ when I snatched him.”

“Damn straight I would,” Sabertooth growls.

“He was doing the sex,” Wade says in a stage whisper.

“Hope you used a condom,” Gabby says, turning to him. “Those are important.” She shrugs. “Apparently.”

“Gabby, please.” Laura sighs. “Come out of there. Let’s go home.”

“We’re not done,” Gabby says. “Daken hasn’t told us where the car is yet.”

“Because I don’t have the fucking car.” He snarls.

Wade glances to the group of rapidly growing ‘witnesses’. “Johnny, in your own words, what was Daken up to yesterday?”

Johnny leans his head against the bars. “I don’t know.”

“You weren’t with him, then?”

“I was.” Johnny agrees. “I just don’t know what he was up to.”

“How long were you with him?”

“Hmm.” Johnny thinks about it. “Like... five hours.”

“That’s it?”

“That’s it.”

Wade scratches his chin through his mask. “I see.” He turns to Quinten, “A look inside Johnny’s head if you would Mr. Brainy.”

Quinten rolls his eyes. “Hold on.” He says again as the scene changes.

“Whoah, whoah, whoah,” Johnny says quickly. “I didn’t say you could go in my head!”

“And yet here we are.” Wade walks to the middle of a ‘crowded’ restaurant. Daken and Johnny are seated outside, the sun is low, and they seem to be in the middle of a serious conversation.

“It’s a little stretch.” Daken is saying.

“I don’t know,” Johnny replies.

“We’ll use lube,” Daken says.

“We’ll use lube no matter what we do,” Johnny says.

“What are you talking about?” Wade asks.

“None of your business.” Non-memory Johnny and Daken say.

“Can we move this along?” Johnny asks impatiently.

“Sure.” Wade walks over to the table. “Cut the sound out.” He says to Quinten. “Now, boys, in your own words, what’s going on here?”

“Hmm... we were talking about stuff we wanted to do later,” Johnny says. “After the date. Ya know.”

“I don’t know,” Wade says. “You’re supposed to tell me.”

“Sex, Wade.” Daken snaps. “We were talking about sex.”

“Oh.” Wade nods. “Continue.”

“I said something like “Come back to my place”,” Johnny recalls. “And Daken said he’d rather go to his because he had some new materials he wanted to try out.”

“Materials?” Gabby whispers to Laura.

“When you’re older.” Laura crosses her arms. “Can we keep this as child-friendly as possible?”

“Child-friendly??” Gabby scoffs. “I can’t find the truth if you censor it!”

“Yea!” Wade says.

“Materials,” Johnny says through gritted teeth. “I-“ he pauses. “What’s Warren doing here?”

“What do you mean?” Warren asks in confusion.

“Look.” Johnny points to a table behind Daken and himself. “You’re in the background.”

“That’s... weird.” Warren scratches his head. “I didn’t go to that restaurant this week.”

Johnny turns to Quinten. “He wasn’t there. Why is he there now?”

“Because I’m tired and holding this many people focused on one memory while inside someone else’s memory is hard.” He growls.

“Get,” Daken sighs. “Get Warren out of there. He wasn’t there.”

“I’m trying.” Quinten snaps.

“Move on to the next scene,” Laura says. “This isn’t important.”

“Right.” Wade nods. “What car did he drive, Johnny?”

“He didn’t,” Johnny recalls. “I drove.”

“And what car did you drive?”

“I drove my Mustang.”

“AHA!” Wade points at him. “YOU had Daken steal the car for YOU!”

“I did not!” Johnny snaps. “That’s my car.” He points to the row of cars outside the restaurant. “See? It’s mine.”

“I see,” Wade says. “But you’re not off the hook. You and your boy toy are my prime suspects. Where did you go after the restaurant?”

Both men are completely silent.

“Mental man- if you will-“

“NO!” Johnny and Daken say at the same time.

“We went to my house. You don’t have to show what we did. We stayed there all night.” Daken says.

“Did you use a condom?” Gabby whispers.

Daken rolls his eyes.

“Jury- write it down- the man is hesitant to show the proof that he’s innocent!” Wade says.

“There is no jury!” The other adults snap.

The group is brought back to the warehouse- all quieter than they were.

“Something’s not adding up,” Wade says.

“Damn straight it’s not,” Victor says. “You all just went fuckin’ brain dead and stood there for ten fucking minutes. Fucking weird as shit.”

“You weren’t invited into the memory,” Wade says. “Becuase you don’t play nice.”

“You’re fucked in the head, Wilson,” Victor growls. "Let me out of this cage and I'll show just how un-nice I can play."

“Eh, you’ve said worse.” Wade turns to the two suspects outside of the cage. “So neither of you took it huh?” He asks.

“No.” They say flatly.

"The truth shall be unearthed. You can't fight the system. Lady justice casts her wide gaze upon us like an overweight hot dog eating champion eyeing the stalls at a state fair!"

"What?" Warren asks.

Wade pulls his mask off. "One of you is going to tell me where the car is!" he says. "Or I'm gonna give you.. the stink eye."

"Oh please- not that!" Johnny says in mock horror.

"Shut it torchie. You're very close from going from the 'witness' list to the 'suspect' list."

Johnny glares at him. "I have shit to do today, you lunatic. You can't hold people against their wills for something they didn't do!"

"Let's go over the facts!" Wade says, pulling his mask back on. "Fact A. The car belonged to Logan. I took it- someone took it from me. Fact 2. The car was booted by the New York police department because I didn't pay my tickets. Fact A.B the bootie was slashed by claws. Fact 3. Someone who had a motive against Logan must have taken the car and that someone had to have a set of claws. Fact D-Z. Daken has the biggest daddy issues and therefore the biggest motive, claws, and is lying when submitting evidence. Ergo-"

"I didn't take the car!" Daken yells. "How many times do I have to fucking say it?? I didn't take it, Laura didn't take it, Bobby Johnny and Warren didn't take it, Creed may have but he probably didn't- no one took your fucking car!"

“But the boot was cut by a blade resembling-“ Wade stops mid-sentence. “Uh... haha... be right back.” He says. “Hold on for just a teeny tiny second... Just a little tiny break..” He disappears.

“Just tell him where you put the car.” Quinten hisses at Daken.

“I did not take the fucking car!” Daken cries in exasperation. “I don’t want Logan’s old shitty car. Why the fuck would I??”

Everyone looks at the ground.

There’s a long stretch of awkward silence before Deadpool pops back into the room.

“So, funny story.” He says.

Everyone glares at him.

“I uh... popped the bootie myself with my katana.” He says. “Looks like a claw you know... and I uh... well... You can all go home!” He claps his hands together. “Justice is served!”

“Wait, wait wait,” Daken snarls. “YOU had the car??”

“Uh-hmm,” Wade says with a nod. “Annnnnd.... you’re all off the hook! Case closed!”

“Just like that,” Quinten says dryly. “Just like that. You’re done. Just like that.”

“Yep.” Wade nods. “So... yea... doors are open-“ the doors to the warehouse open “and you can see yourselves out.”

“See ourselves.... we’re locked in a cage!” Bobby cries.

“Hmm... yea... uh... about that.” Wade shrugs. “I uh... lost the key to one of them.”

“Excuse me?” Johnny says.

“One of the witness protection cages no longer has a key... Soo....” he hisses, “you’ll have to figure out who’s getting out now and who’s got to call the fire department.”

“What???” Johnny, Bobby, and Warren cry.

“You dragged us here, caged us, tried us for something that you had all along, and now you’re saying that you can’t get us out??” Johnny asks in disbelief.

“Why don’t we look at the positives of today.. hmm?” Wade says.

“There are no positives!” Quinten snarls.

“Oh boy yes there were. We learned about the judicial system, the sturdiness of cages, the effect drugs have on shitty my memory and... oh yea- safe sex!”

Daken and Bobby groan.

“It’s never a bad day when you use protection.” Wade says ‘wisely’.

“Can we leave now?” Quinten asks.

“Sure thing pinkie pie! You’re.... twenty miles outside of civilization. You’re all free to go. Ya know- the ones of you that won’t be stuck in a cage.”

“Are you shitting me??” Victor says.

“Nope. See ya later Vicky- gotta take my woman out in my sweet ride.” He tosses a key card to Daken before clapping again. “Peace out!”

He’s gone in a puff of smoke. Leaving his ‘jury’, ‘suspects’, and ‘witnesses’ standing there.

Daken walks over to the cage that holds his youngest sister and swipes the keycard- sighing in relief when it opens.

“Today’s been so much fun!” Gabby says- exiting the cage and bouncing up and down on her feet. “Justice was served!”

“No- a lunatic got permission to take strangers inside my head,” Daken growls.

“But he found his car and you learned about safe sex. So... it wasn’t all bad- was it?”

Daken shakes his head. “Do either of you need rides?” He asks lovers.

“Yea,” Johnny says. “It’s too early to fly.”

“Yes- that’d be nice,” Bobby says.

The two of them look between each other.

“Maybe... we could go get lunch?” Bobby asks.

“In our underwear?” Johnny grins.

“Maybe hit a drive-thru and eat lunch at home?” Bobby offers.

Daken and Johnny shrug. “Might as well,” Daken says.

The three men head out the door.

“Bye Daken!” Gabby waves.

“Today’s been weird,” Warren says, coming out of the cage as well. “I know know what my parakeet felt like.”

Laura laughs. “Do you want a ride as well?”

He nods.

“Can we get lunch too?” Gabby asks.

“I don’t see why not,” Laura says.

Warren reaches out and takes Laura’s hand, walking with her to the door.

“Hey!” Quinten calls after them. “Telepath here- helped all your asses! Who’s giving me a ride?”

Laura turns around. “Oh.” She smiles. “I’d forgotten.” She motions for him to follow.

Quinten takes a final look around the room and leaves, murmuring about lunatics.

Cars are started up outside.

“Hey!” Victor yells at the younger ‘captives’. “One of you fuckers let me out!!”

No one hears him.

“Hello???” He bangs on the side of the bars.

Both Daken and Laura pull out of the parking lot, leaving Victor firmly behind bars.

“Fuck!!!” He yells into the empty warehouse, the sound echoing off the ceiling but ultimately leaving him unheard. "Fucking Wilson," he grumbles, sitting down on the floor. "Fucking, fucker," he says- to no one.


End file.
